Beware of Unecessary Headline Doom and Gloom

I was taking the news that John Mayer – that guy, who if you ask me, is a little too friendly with the paparazzi – chose Twitter over Jen, relatively well. The searing headline that indicated Kobe Bryant is being sued by an ex-nanny over something to do with bare hands and dog poop may not have been helping matters, but since my goal was avoiding any news of substance that wasn’t poop or Twitter, I was still on track for another day of ignorant bliss.

However, my modest goal crumbled around me this morning. My husband thoughtlessly held up the front page of our local newspaper bearing this concerning headline:

He thinks it’s funny that all humane leaders have resigned. I do not.

He kept repeating that this article was about a humane society. I’m not sure what kind of anarchist stunt he’s pulling here, but after reading the article, he stated that our humane society is really a bunch of animals. All of them! Sensing my confusion through my barking at him to, “Stop!”, he came right out and said, I SHOULD READ IT.

Our local newspaper has shrunk to the size of what’s essentially a drawer liner. No longer is there space on the 4 – 8 pages for long, complete headlines. As of recently, I am of the school that Steve Colbert plus John Stewart equals Walter Cronkite. I like my new school, because even the boys and girls, who wear suits and think they’re smarter than the rest of us, laugh. In spite of all the confrontational things they say, I can believe that behind their merriment, all must be well in the realm.

But even as much as I loathe too much information, I stand firm that another detail or two could have been added in this case of headline writing. I suspect I’m not the only one who prefers headlines to be both expository, and in and of themselves, complete.

Here are some suggestions:

Two Humane Leaders Step Down
Two Local Humane Leaders Step Down
Two Stupid, yet Humane Leaders Step Down

But a troublesome question is still left hanging: What exactly is going to happen in this void of humaneness? Who is “stepping up?” Heaven forbid – inhumane leaders?

People, I don’t need to consider this kind of problem first thing in the morning, and I doubt you do either. This could have easily been taken care of with this headline:

Two Humane Leaders Step Down, Two More Step Up

Finally we’re talking beginning, middle and end, all right where I want them. No need to know whether these leaders are local, national or international. For another day, without even bothering to squint or grab reading glasses, we can be rest assured that there’s a happy ending. Only those overthinking types, who, if you ask me are a little too obsessed with detail, need to read any further.

Just in case you’re worried, the article did turn out to concern a bunch of animals. As in dogs and cats, mostly. I read it, because I was worried all of you might naively leave your house today and be greeted with great inhumaneness. But I can safely say, if you don’t look too closely, no void of humaneness will be found anywhere. Unless we’re talking about poop or Twitter.