Speak Well and Prosper, Dudes
Until a few minutes ago I was still wondering what day it was (or day it is?). Thankfully, I found out just in time to tell you about it before it’s over. Today is National Grammar Day sponsored by SPOGG, The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar. SPOGG, according to their website, “is for people who crave good, clean English – sentences cast well and punctuated correctly. It’s about clarity. And who knows how many of the world’s huge problems could be solved if we had a little more of that?”
At first, I hoped this would mean that all the grammarian blowhards out there were taking a collective day of rest from pointing out split infinitives, lapses in subject/verb agreement and lame use of phrasal verbs to justify using prepositions at the end of sentences. Not that I’m bitter or anything.
But no: On this special day, the grammatically superior are to take their mission to the world. As it says on the National Grammar Day website, “Speak well! Write well! And on March 4, march forth and spread the word. We want people to think about language and how it can be used best.”
My favorite suggestion for those who want to keep National Grammar Day good well, is to consume high fiber foods at Good Grammar Potlucks. I just love it when the uptight poke fun at themselves. SPOGG also provides beautifully clear and flawlessly punctuated recipes for Turkey Chili and a Grammartini.
With their tongue firmly planted in cheek, I only wish SPOGG had been around way back when I was in the 7th grade. Maybe Mrs. Old, Ugly and Mean Woman Who Enjoyed Diagramming Sentences Above the Sublime Aspects of Literature I Unknowingly Thirsted FOR wouldn’t have given me a D plus on my short story, Serena the Teenage Witch Returns, because of a few teensy grammatical errors. To this day I know in my heart this early effort in storytelling totally rocked.
I’m all for good grammar. I believe the best grammar becomes innate from reading well. But grammar must also evolve from society’s need to best express itself. The creatively inclined must be warned at an early age of the weapon of the choice for the most obnoxious grammarians: their quick and superior vocabularies. By calling phrasing “inelegant,” or punctuation “riddled” with errors, or going after “course vernacular,” the desire in the world’s creative children to express themselves authentically and relevantly is diminished and potentially lost.
In other words, the dark side has kicked their arses to the curb.
I’ve had just enough run ins with the occasional crappy English teaching professional over the years to be wary. Be extra cautious if they start throwing around Latin or French. I repeat: Not that I’m bitter or anything. These people just need to add fiber to their diet.
The one person I would leave my husband FOR, the great grammarian and creative soul, E.B. White said:
“Commas in The New Yorker fall with the precision of knives in a circus act, outlining the victim.”
and this:
“Be obscure clearly.”
and last, but not least, this:
“English usage is sometimes more than mere taste, judgment and education – sometimes it’s sheer luck, like getting across the street.”
PS: I’ve proofread this once. If you want to correct anything – feel free! I’m used to it and have acquired a very thick skin 
(English professional here, ducking and covering….if I promise to smilingly ignore all split infinitives, can I come in? In can I come? May I enter?)
Seriously, I loved your post. Did you really get hammered for mechanics when you’d written a story with an awesome title like that? I hate when that happens to kids. I also hate it when a teacher analyzes all the joy out of poetry.
Hope you’re feeling better!
Oh, Margo, you so should be a linguist. In intro I actually tell them at the start of one lesson, “now you get to forget everything your grammar teacher ever taught you.” I love it every time I get to say it.
If you haven’t read it, you should read Steven Pinker’s The Language Instinct, especially the chapter called “The Language Mavens.” Oh my, it is a good read for those who have heard just about enough of how we shouldn’t split infinitives, how double negatives are a bad use of language, and how we should not dangle prepositions.
Up which grammatical rule is the most important not to fuck?
oh, sorry, I forgot that it was your post title that is the funniest part! Captain Kirk uses poor grammar everytime they start the show:
“To boldly go where no man has gone before.”
So, should he have said instead, “to go boldly where no man has gone before”? “Boldly to go where no man has gone before”? Kudos to Gene Roddenberry for sticking it to the grammar snobs.
I thoroughly enjoyed this post. I only wish I had read it earlier in the day when I could have informed my English students that there is an official Grammar Day!!
Good grammar is proper but it sure isn’t any fun.
Hi Vic, I returned proudly just now from grocery store to buy more gingerale. Broad threat worked! With all my struggles with English teachers, the majority of my best friends are English majors and teachers. Come on in. Just be sure to remember i’m a 5th grader at heart. Thanks!
Heather, Your f word sentence got me going this morning. I bet EB would have loved it. Definitely going to check out that book. Thanks!
Molly, I be so glad! We’re going to put it on our calendar around here and celebrate big time next year.
blueviolet, Amen!
Good grammar DEFINITELY comes from reading. It’s the reason mine isn’t more atrocious than it already is… I used to read so much when I was younger. If only I’d kept it up, I think I’d be a much better writer.
My publicist went to Catholic School and had grammar beat into her by nuns. She now revolts by blogging as a goat.
So there Sisters of Mercy! so there!
Although her nieces and nephews refer to her as “the grammar police”
LiLu, you’ve got voice girl, and I don’t think yur grammer is to bad neither! xxx ooo
Pricilla, To me, “Stick it to the Sisters of Mercy” sounds much better than “Stick it to the Man”. Because loveliness exists in truth, I guess. Nieces and nephews could definitely call their aunt worse. thanks!
What I love are the members of the grammar police who leave comments on stories or blogs or go on message boards and rant about the occasionally missed typo (e.g., their vs. they’re or its vs. it’s), yet they never write anything other than these comments themselves. In other words, they’re not writers, just critics.
My other fave is when people criticize American writers for not following the rules of the Queen’s English. For instance, I once saw a person on a message board having a fit because an American fan fic writer spelled license the way it is spelled in the U.S., which is with one c and one s, not with two c’s like it is in England. She claimed that she stopped reading the story right then and there because of the “incorrect” spelling. All I could think was, “This person needs to get a life or at least a good therapist,” but I think I like your line better. She just needed to get some fiber in her diet. LOL.
I dig grammar but punctuation is overrated
Staci, Can you spell P-R-O-J-E-C-T-I-O-N? Certain commenter critics need to go straight to eating cardboard. Putting yourself out there in your writing is the hard part.
CB, I agree with you most definitely and even if I didnt that would be ok punctuation and lack thereof can be so much fun though dont you think????