Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a doormat:
Nor am I really mean. No way. Can’t call me mean, or heaven forbid, selfish and impolite. The thought of someone thinking I’m mean or not nice has long been at total odds with my closest held beliefs about myself.
In this either/or world where the massive gray areas of life are a deep and vast ocean between the safety of black and white shorelines, mostly I have chosen to dwell on shore. I clung dearly to white ground of doormat. I didn’t know how to swim, so I have stayed there and:
made nice.
am friendly.
have appeased
have hidden
let people take advantage of my need to not be mean.
taken everything personally
apologized without meaning it
made myself sick.
One of the biggest changes I have noted in myself over the past half dozen or so years since I turned forty, is I’ve grown comfortable swimming alone, and far from shore. I’m not scared of slimy jellyfish, hungry sharks and things I can’t see. I’m closer, I think, to:
being myself.
loving myself.
loving you.
not thinking any one person is better, or worse than another.
All those years I judged myself so harshly, turns out I judged you too.
This is a fun place to be. I don’t miss caring what you think of me, my house, my car, my children, the way I dress, what I look like without makeup, or who my daddy is (a burden sometimes associated with being from the South).
If you want to look down at anyone, and today you happen to choose me, for today anyway, I’m sure that’s your problem. I don’t miss caring what I think of you either.
I speak up when I need to more frequently now. I am honest when I need to be and if things sometimes come out wrong and you take offense, I’ll wish things came out better. But I won’t be sorry. Mostly, in so far as I can help it, I still choose to be nice to people who don’t treat me well. If you think that makes me:
weak
too nice
not fierce
not wild
not funny
not interesting
stupid
a Jesus freak.
mean
not strong
Go ahead.
(I love you people. In case you’re new here, I always get all introspective when my husband is out of town. I’ll give it a rest soon 
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{ 19 comments }
It sounds like you are in a really great place.
Oh…and can I borrow your doormat?
Excellent post…I to really can't be bothered by what people think of me or what I do and how I do etc. Life is to short. Ya take me for what I am cuz that's all I know how to be
Finally I'm at the point in my life where "what you see is what you get"! Great post! I'm right there with you!
Amen!
I was once polite to people, on principle.
But "people" have abrogated their rights. Rudeness seems to be the order of the day, from interrupting my dinner to ask me who my cell carrier is, to "helping" me mother my children in public.
So if you run into me, and my face has anything less than a friendly smile, I suggest changing directions–slowly, so as not to attract attention.
I don't think I was ever a doormat. . . although when I was 20ish I did buy a lot more light bulbs than I had places to screw them into. These days. . . it's been a privilege to have the work experience and life experience to know quickly the difference between the crunchy and the sweet. I think your posting is great. It resonates.
You'd better rethink your fear of hungry sharks. That's all I'm sayin.
I relate. I'm working on it. My biggest hurdle is the extreme self-critique.
I'm spending a few minutes everday meditating on letting go and trusting my path.
Oh, and xoxxo5555 is just my lil' signature of kisses, hugs, and high fives!
Re your list: "Jesus Freak" never came to mind. Confident did, though.
I used to be a doormat, but over the years I've been through so many things that I was pretty much forced to stand up for myself. Having a mentally ill husband (now ex), having a mentally ill daughter and having to advocate for not only her healthcare, but for her education.
Tonight at WAGS I went to purchase toenail clippers, on sale $2.99, but rang up at full price. I paid cash, went back to the rack, yup, over charged. Went back and made them refund the difference. Years ago I wouldn't have wanted to confront the staff and would have just overpaid and went home. Not anymore.
So glad you've arrived in such a good place. I know this takes work. I haven't quite made it where you are, but I'm trying.
don't you wish you could have felt this way years ago? I always think back … but then you can't do that can you?
Well done; it take a long time to get where you are today and I admire you for having achieved your 'today' status… especially being a southerner! Much harder to do… and I want that doormat too!
mm, I've got to get one of those doormats. It makes me laugh every time I see it.
thom, thank you. It takes most of us a while to get there. I have my moments
joanna, thanks! glad to have a new friend along
Mzzlily,yes!
mother, what's with all the rudeness? Makes me want to be rude right back sometimes, which is better than what I used to say, "what did I do wrong?"
Koe, crunchy – I like that. I used to try to will all that crispy business away… now it's easier just walk on by
shawn, you're giving me nightmares! Your header with that "Something tastes fishy" was the nail in the coffin. BEHAVE.
ann, xoxoxo5555. you're not alone! I constantly have to remind myself to be as nice to myself as I am to the other people I love. It's weird that this is so hard for many of us.
lawyermom, alleluia!
lola, we kind of grow strong in spite of ourselves – especially when family is the motivation. thank goodness we can also move towards not always choosing the path of least resistance.
phdyogurty, lots of times I'm sure I'm not as far along as I need to be either. all that "life's a journey" business is hard to swallow. and you're definitely right about the work part
bb, if we could only age in reverse! I would love to have been like this in my 20s/30s
jane, I'm pretty convinced the southern part does make things more complex. What would the neighbors think if I put out that doormat? Don't want to offend
Me, too, ME TOO! My sister and I have had this conversation a dozen times in the last year or so. Too bad it takes us half of our life time to figure it out! And as a coincidence, I just posted this quote on my sidebar today…
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are!"
~~EE Cummings
Interesting. I always have too much to drink when my husband is out of town!
Betsy, that's a great quote. Here's to aging backwards – in some ways, anyway
frogs in formula, funny, when I stopped drinking so much, the obsessions started. Maybe I need to take that drinking business back up
It's it nice to get to the point in your life where you don't have to impress anybody and you don't have to answer the door if you don't want to….you can just lie there with the door bell ringing, in your baggy jammy pants with a green face mask on watching TV and ignoring it.
That’s funny, I just get giddy when my husband is out of town now. Profound statement about being honest when you need to be…. I don’t know about you but I’m so tired of all the apologizing that society requires these days. Can we not express ourselves spontaneously any longer without measuring every word? Maybe that’s why I’m so quiet.
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