Who Says a Virtual Lifestyle Doesn’t Come Naturally?

Expressing randomness usually doesn’t strike me until Wednesday. But thanks to an unusual week where I feel as if yesterday was Tuesday and today, Wednesday, I’m here on schedule to participate in Keely at The Un Mom’s

With Sparkle’s first day of virtual school Monday, I have once again assumed the role of “Learning Coach.” I  laugh at this concept daily, but it really isn’t funny. Rest easy people who know me: Faceless, chipper people in another city do the actual teaching.

Still these first days of school are challenging for the technologically and organizationally impaired. (That would be me.)

Suddenly stricken with that new school year enthusiasm that smells as promising and frightening as a massive number of freshly sharpened Ticonderogas, I spent the morning going through the school’s “virtual training.” Thankfully, I wasn’t graded on the multiple choice “review” which felt more like ongoing midterms.  I’m pretty sure I’m now being watched. Fleetingly I wonder if Google owns the virtual school.

Here is an example of just one of many questions I stared at blankly for at least ten minutes:

I got it wrong, but personally I liked the last option. Unfortunately they weren’t looking for opinions. I  would tell you what the “correct” answer was, but I don’t remember. No doubt there are virtual consequences looming out there for my poor performance. I wonder what  “virtual detention” must look like. I’ve got several ideas for them…

…and they all involve creepy and annoying children’s television shows.

And what is the most difficult adjustment for students and learning coaches alike in the virtual school setting? There aren’t any giant and scary teachers around to let you know how badly you’ve screwed up just by looking at you. Without blinking.

For the record,  I’m not a Birkenstock wearing homeschooler who eschews Sephora and soap operas.  I am a young and restless virtual schooler who loves Mabelline. Virtual learning coaches don’t have to plan curricula, bake or join food coops. Not that there is anything wrong with these things.

But for someone who by nature, isn’t a nature person it just isn’t natural. I blame the allergies. They are not virtual.

There are myriad other clues:

I choose:

flat irons over flat rocks

blow dryers over Blowing Rock, North Carolina

restaurants over cooking over an open flame

Egyptian cotton sheets over sleeping under the stars

hiking over climbing

walking over hiking …well maintained paths only please.

rooms with a view over the view itself

I know that somewhere out there in those lovely views there are what we in the South call critters. I’m not talking of the Disney variety.

Because of wretched heat, recently one of my most challenging personal goals was to altogether avoid the great outdoors.  I walked to and from car on concrete. When Lily was barking at squirrel critters who were taunting her on the other side of the sliding glass doors, I stepped outside to talk on the phone for less than two minutes in relative peace.  Not bad. My feet never even  left the safety of the patio. I did place my hand on a chair to sweep off some pine straw.

In that moment of apparent foolishness a UC (unidentified critter) bit me. I’d display a picture of this eight-legged critter of evilness, but I can’t stand searching for one.  Pictures would give me bad dreams that would be even worse than the nightmares I used to have about Teletubbies and Barney taking over the world.

My hand went numb and turned red and hot. Dolly and Sparkle advised that since I didn’t keel over in an appendicitis-like seizure in the first hour or so, that more than likely, I would survive.  Once again, years of sending them to summer camp proved to be a good investment.  And not having to cook dinner came naturally.

The whole situation  reminded me of that one time I so brazenly walked to the mailbox.

I like nature, just as long as it stays off my patio.

Maybe I’ll order one of these:

Don’t pee your pants or anything trying to beat me to it, but these stunning works of art are available in the current Delta SkyMall magazine AND virtually here. For real.

I’ll close with the description:

“Big Foot the Garden Yeti Sculpture

With his characteristically big feet, our over two-foot- tall Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style! With alleged sightings the world over from the highest Himalayas to the northwest United States, this elusive, mythical legend has been captured exclusively for toscano in quality designer resin and finely hand-painted for startling realism. (12 lbs.) 19 1/2″ W x 19″ D x28 1/2″ H.”7hebcyuvg4

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