When I Hear “Congratulations” I Know It’s Going to Be Lame

“Congratulations!” the young woman working at the bookstore said to me yesterday. “You get to pick three free magazine subscriptions with your purchase today!”

If one were to measure luck by the number of times I have heard or read the word, “congratulations,” I have been incredibly lucky as of late.

Every morning I am greeted with emails from pompous sounding solicitors, trustees, barristers and executors from China, South Africa and Sweden congratulating me on winning millions of dollars and Euros. Apparently, I am the sole heir to several estates of wealthy relatives I didn’t know I had, and have also won multiple sweepstakes, lotteries and random drawings.

Other forms of “congratulations” arrive throughout the day, and frankly, I’m beginning to suspect I’m viewed by the world’s marketing professionals, as one of the last great suckers. Piles and papers over which I once ruled – okay, ruled over for only five minutes, one day, a year ago – suddenly seem to have reached new heights of encroachment. At night I dream that rogue marketing executives throw heaps of magazines in the door by the laundry room I always forget to lock.

Apparently, I fit a profile, and I’m determined to get a new one. With my new profile, people who once intended to dupe me with their phony “congratulations” would cower and run at the mere mention of my name. Those lights, bells and whistles that go off whenever  someone types my phone number into a cash register, or swipes one of my “savings” cards, which I’m pretty sure I was congratulated on when I first got it, would be replaced by a skull and crossbones that would mean, “Don’t even try.”

Somehow it has happened that more magazines are in my house, than bookstores have on their shelves. You name it, I “subscribe.” The tipping point came when I bought a People magazine subscription from one of those wily third grade marketer types that rings our doorbell every Saturday. They come at the crack of dawn and operate under the guise of selling wrapping paper and chocolate. Don’t let them fool you. Professionally trained and motivated by incentive of winning ipod shuffles, they stick the magazines to you at the end when your resolve has been broken and you’ve got your mind on chocolate.

Now if I took up smoking, we’d be a fire hazard. Potentially concerning are Oprah’s people. How about if they hear about me and seek me out to be the featured hoarder on an upcoming show? In the meantime, my brain rots.

Besides I hate magazines….

…But there were those otherwise useless, about-to-expire frequent flier miles. Then there was the time in the middle of the night I bought exercise DVD’s from an infomercial, and got so confused by the woman on the 800 number that I ended up saying yes, just so I could  avoid doing any more math.

Yesterday with mighty effort I said no thanks to the over- enthused bookstore employee. Do you think bookstores offer free magazine subscriptions to customers who are buying magazines? Was I ever a big enough sucker that I would have said yes?

Since the word “congratulations” has become so hackneyed, I suggest we come up with a new word to mean the same sincere kind of congratulations, this fine word once did. Any suggestions?

Here’s my stab: Superfelicitations are clearly in order.