Call for Peace on Earth and Twitter
Hell or high water, every generation of mothers has found a way to deal with social isolation. In my mother’s era there were coffee klatches, bridge clubs and consciousness raising groups. More recently relief came in the form of Bunco or bowling, playgroups, book clubs and girls’ nights out. These days there’s this little phenomenon called Twitter.
Show me a perfect mother and I’ll show you an episode of Barney that every adult in America will just love.
From the moment we exit the hospital with our swaddled bundles of joy and secure them in approved car seats, we’ve felt it. Some of us are more fixated and neurotic about it than others. We all know life isn’t a sure thing.
Everyone of us straddles the double yellow lines of life on occasion during the child rearing years. Hopefully we catch ourselves, and are allowed to revel in luxury of no one being any worst for the wear. Still accidents, both major and minor occur. Maybe a child drowned in a pool.
Much has been written about Shellie Ross, aka @Military_Mom, a “mommy blogger” who tragically lost her young son in a drowning accident this past Tuesday. If I could say something to her, I would say this: You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. Count on the people in your life who know and love you the best. Don’t waste your time with anyone else.
In the past perhaps a group of mothers were gathered around a kitchen table lost in conversation. Maybe they were sipping Cosmopolitans, or gulping coffee and munching on giant muffins. Maybe so and so was being too dramatic, per her usual. No one even saw the accident happen.
We’ve always lived in a world where danger lurks. Raising children is a fine balance, individually struck. Get your Teflon on, because everyone is about to give you their opinion. Every neighborhood has a hawk-eyed mother with special rubber under the swing set and video monitors in every room. Not far down the block there is another mother whose children ride bikes while barefoot and have a trampoline in the backyard. Most of us fall somewhere between them.
As someone who was born in the sixties, having hundreds or thousands of people as “friends” or “followers” is a strange concept. Friendships are still something counted on fingers and toes. They are investments in time and love. Sometimes they are too fragile to bear. Longstanding ones invariably bring joy and pain. Hopefully they are long and winding, two- way streets.
Much has also been written about Twitter and it’s power. As a relative amateur, I can’t really add to that. But I do know that this way of bonding is radically different from anything we’ve seen before. We don’t really know what it is yet. We shouldn’t make the mistake of kidding ourselves that it’s not always a potential and awful fray. If we think that every single one of these people really should love and agree with us, or even care about anyone but themselves, we’re setting ourselves up for a horrible fall.
Words have always been incredibly powerful, but I think these days when it’s so easy to perceive and sometimes even have an audience for every thought that runs through one’s head, we’ve forgotten this. The words we choose have always said much more about ourselves than they have anyone else.
Maybe it’s a generational thing, but to me having Teflon for skin sometimes means not tweeting. Hitting block, un-follow or turning off the BlackBerry are not just viable, but often the most powerful responses.
What disturbs me most is that Twitter makes it easy to forget that there is a difference between being opinionated and just being mean. I believe it is a grave mistake if we routinely attack anyone for voicing opinions different from our own. If something really bothers you about another’s words or actions, any decent therapist will tell you to look at yourself first. Then the priest or minister will tell you to turn your cheek.
Conversations in 140 characters or less and re-tweets can’t become the standard for meaningful discussion. And we’re in even more trouble if major news outlets give the fray credibility. Yes, I’m talking to you MSNBC. We have to think first, then speak for ourselves, often with lots of words. Then we must allow others to do the same. There will be gray areas. This is life.
These final lines from one of my favorite books, To Kill a Mockingbird, popped in my head today. They seem fitting.:
“When they finally saw him, why he hadn’t done any of those things . . . Atticus, he was real nice. . . .” His hands were under my chin, pulling up the cover, tucking it around me.
“Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them.” He turned out the light and went into Jem’s room. He would be there all night, and he would be there when Jem waked up in the morning.
Eloquently said.
GREAT post, Margo. Fantastic.
I am in tears. That was an unexpected read about the accident. Wow.
I was born in ’68 and also feel strange w/ the whole ‘follower’ concept. Twitter is a phenomenon, alright. it’s such an instant way to communicate to the masses. I love the opportunity to share love and positivity, no to mention humor to the Tweets of Consciousness.
My heart goes out to Shellie (and anyone who is in pain, especially from such a colossal loss) and will echo your words of love; “You are loved”.
xxoo
I got wholly pissed when they were speaking ill of her on the Today Show this morning. When a woman is grieving, don’t begrudge her because she doesn’t morn in the exact same way you would. Online relationships/friendships can be just as nurturing ad inspiring as those in real life. Shame on KLG for judging her so harshly when she’s never been in the same situation. Thanks for the great post.
When my Dad passed, three years ago today, the minister said something at his service that has stuck with me. When we are happy, we dont celebrate them same way so what makes us think that when we are sad we will all grieve the same way. Thank you for sharing this. I feel for her.
Very well said.
I keep picturing Shellie, alone, in the hospital while they worked on her son. A-L-O-N-E. Her husband couldn’t be reached and she needed to know that someone was there for her. She had her phone. She Tweeted. One Tweet. And it moved thousands to pray.
As for the judgement about her parenting, it is mainly fueled by a person who is so NOT CREDIBLE that it’s not even worth the discussion.
It’s funny that I just wrote an article about how the internet “makes people mean” and you mentioned that very thing.
I would of done the same thing! She twittered when she was over the top with worry, waiting and fretting in the hospital. I would of asked for the same thing, please pray! I probably would of even done more! Because that’s how I am. Please continue to pray for the Ross family. I’m so sorry for the accident that took your “little man”.
Thank you for such an eloquent and well written post
Wow. That’s all I have to say…okay, wait again, wow!
I did hear about this from someone I follow. What was done to that women was terrible, and this is an awesome post.
I feel the same too about the whole friends thing. And I am a child of the 80′s. I think real friends are few and far between and that is fine by me!
Personally I would rather have one or two GREAT ones than a bunch of fake ones. And if they can’t be there to support you and catch you when you fall, you don’t need them in your life, period!
I do NOT consider twitter a place for me to find true friends either. The whole follow me stuff is annoying sometimes too. I think it was intended and should be made for fun. period! It certainly is not a place for people to be pure awful, mean and cruel!
Where are the women, the friends, the “followers” when you really need them?
Well said. I don’t Twitter or Face Book. I barely have enough time to keep up with the blog. People are cruel This woman asked for prayers when she needed them and look what she got.
Great post, Margo …
Beautiful post!
Oh my God, I am so sorry to hear about this horrible tragedy. Words simply can’t express. I hope people aren’t attacking this poor woman. Sometimes humanity makes me shake my head. I just don’t get it.
I am not in a position to judge anybody. I have no clue what happened, nor will I ever – even if I think I do. I do know that when things get tough for me I find myself spending more time online, as a distraction of sorts so my head or heart doesn’t explode.
Let’s be kind to each other.
I would have said that, if I could express myself as eloquently as you do. Beautifully written. Thank you.
When my son (now 31) was around the age of two, he wrenched himself away from my hand and ran around the end of a guardrail on a cliff high above rocky coast of northern California. It was at a lovely picnic area near my hometown that I’d been to hundreds of times, and I was holding his hand walking away from the cliff when this happened. Never in my wildest imagination would I have been able to anticipate him breaking free and running like a little football player AROUND the end of the guardrail where a small space existed between it and the rock wall. I’ve always felt I had an angel with me that day, because he did NOT fall down that cliff, and neither did I as I (in total panic I might add) managed to get across that guardrail and grab his leg and wrestle his most indignant self back to the other side. I don’t know what possessed him to do that, but he was FURIOUS with me for removing him from the chase and returning him to safety.
When I hear of children who die in accidents, I can’t help but remember that and think “there, but for the Grace of God, go I”.
I echo Deborah (greenlasagna) who said it perfectly – this was beautifully written and I, too, thank you.
I always appreciate your perspective.
I did not know about this tragedy until I read it here, Margo. I can’t really comment on Twitter, but really. Another woman in the same situation might call the prayer chain at her church, or her best friend… and the news and requests for prayer are passed along. What’s the difference, except in technology?